So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
