If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
