I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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