thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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