Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
