Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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