What did we do last night that was yellow?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
