I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
