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Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
