I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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