my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
