good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
