your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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