You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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