so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
