I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
