Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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