so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
