i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
