I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
