I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
