Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
