Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
