do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
