First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
