she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
