i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I deserve this hangover.
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