I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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