Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
