I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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