I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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