I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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