I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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