Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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