My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
