all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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