Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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