Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
