i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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