I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
