Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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