And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
