He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
