thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
