I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
