Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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