I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
