who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Four minutes until I can fart!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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