the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
