highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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