why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
