(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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