apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can't turn off my feet"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
