I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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