p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
