Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
