I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
