I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
