My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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