So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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