were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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