I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
