the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
