I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
